There is a gigantic mostly empty lot with the exception of a garage just 1 house away from me. I've been taking Zeppelin there to run around and play frisbee with him because it's huge and fenced in, and if you live in the city, someplace huge and fenced in is a rare find. The lot is owned by my landlord's aunt, and it just so happens that another one of my landlord's tenants, Justin, also comes to the lot to play with his dog. So we've been setting play dates and letting Justin's dog Link and Zeppelin play together. Well today, two other women walking dogs walked past the lot and decided to join us. Which is all fine and dandy. All the dogs got along great but it led us to talking about dog parks.


And then it led to how our alderman blows. One of the women has been trying to get a dog park started on the southside for almost 2 years and our alderman keeps refusing the requests, even after petitions with hundreds of signatures are presented to him. The only dog parks in the entire city of Chicago reside on the far North side. Which is great for the Northsiders, but not so great for us that live on the south side without cars.

So for the time being, we've all set times to meet up at this lot and let our dogs run around again. 2:00 Sunday afternoon.

After supposedly 3 petitions, why in the world would the alderman still refuse? Clearly there's a desire for a dog park in the area. His reason was that it would be too expensive. Too expensive? Really? Is it that much money to take an empty plot of land and put a fence around it? That's really all you need. It wouldn't be as extravagant as let's say, East Branch Dog Park back home, but seriously. Dogs will entertain each other. They just need a place to do so. In terms of upkeep, why not just have dog enthusiasts who visit the park volunteer to clean it up? I'm sure people who visit and own lawnmowers would be willing to at least donate it for a day and even let someone else cut the grass. And with enough trash cans around and a fine for not picking up dog poop, that takes care of most of that problem. And if there's still poop laying around (because there's always going to be a lazy owner), again, volunteers.

Maybe a commitee or board of people to run, set rules and a volunteer schedule to keep up with it? Then the city can pretty much get out of the way and let us run our dog park.


I don't see a problem. In fact, I believe I'll write a letter to our alderman proposing some volunteer based suggestions. Cutting grass and picking up poop is well worth having a place for our dogs to safely and legally play off leash in the city.

Ugh. I wish non-dog people understood how much improvement a dog park could bring to a city. Happier, well excericised dogs = quieter, calmer, and less aggressive dogs. I see so many dogs here in the city while I'm walking Zeppelin who day after day I just see laying in a tiny fenced in front yard. And I'm talking TINY. And then people wonder why dogs have so many behavior issues. Just get your dog some exercise and entertain it.



Yesterday I found what I thought was a stray dog roaming my street. The dog wasn't aggressive towards me. A little shy at first, but not aggressive at all. It didn't have any collar or any sort of tags and it's fur was super long and horribly matted and clearly not taken care of. After waiting on animal control to show up (by the way, I waited 3 hours. Had the dog been aggressive and ran from me, there's a good chance it could have seriously hurt someone. Go animal control for being on top of things!!) I finally decided to just go home, grab Zeppelin's leash and take the dog back to my apartment. So I made a slipknot, placed the leash over the dogs head, and it willingly walked with me.

So we're just cruising back to my place when some lady runs up to me shouting, "OH MY DOG! YOU FOUND MY DOG! YOU FOUND MY DOG!!!" And she came and took it. Since it was on my leash, she invited me to follow her home while she took the dog.

Of course it wasn't my place, but I immediately was like, "You should put a collar and tag on your dog. I assumed she was a stray. If she gets out again, other people might not be so kind about waiting with her and just leave her abandoned."

You know what her response was? "Well the dogs never go outside other than the backyard to use the bathroom. They stay inside."

What the fuck? It's a fucking animal for Christ's sake. The dog resisted even going back inside her shitty little apartment. She had to pull the dog in. No wonder the dog escaped. The poor thing is sitting inside all day wasting it's life away when it probably just wants to explore, go for a walk, sniff some stuff, play and be happy.

The real kicker is that there was another dog inside who looked exactly the same. They looked so pitiful. No one was taking care of them. I didn't see a single toy laying around. Just 2 big, unkempt dogs who were just looking for something to do other than lay around inside.


People should be forced to take classes on dog behavior and needs before they get a dog. It's an animal that needs attention, exercise and mental stimulation. A dog is not meant to sit inside alone without at least a daily walk and some play time.



/end tangent.


Seriously though. South side dog park. Needs to happen.

I just want my roommates to do the dishes.

Is that so hard to ask? Honestly.


I brought the dishes. They wouldn't have dishes if it weren't for me. This is bullshit that nothing is clean when I want to use MY own stuff.

I should have just sucked it up and paid the rent to live on my own. I hate living with roommates. I can't stand it. Or maybe I just picked the wrong roommates. Either way, this blows and I hope we get roaches so they'll learn to do the dishes once in a while.


I even talked with them and asked them to do the dishes and they told me that I should suck it up and just do the dishes when I need them. No! Fuck that! I'm not cleaning up their mess. I wash all of mine right after I'm done with them. It's not hard. It takes an extra 10 minutes.

You know what they said when I suggested they just clean them right after they've used them? "I'm too tired after I've cooked, and I work 8 hours a day." Who the fuck cares?! I work 6 hours a day, find the time to walk 3 miles with my dog and still do my dishes. I don't like taking the time to wash mine either but it's what ADULTS do. ADULTS suck it up and do the dishes because it's nasty when the kitchen smells because dirty dishes are sitting in the sink with rotting food on them.


I do not believe I'm being a bitch about this. I believe I'm being the only goddamn responsible person in the apartment. It should not get to the point where washing the dishes becomes difficult because there's no room in the sink. Instead of sitting on your ass to smoke pot, maybe you should get up and just take responsibility. We have 3 skillets. How in the world is it respectful to use all of them in one night and let them sit there when you know we have no more?

Did I mention they're my pans?



Am I being retarded about this? Seriously. I'M supposed to wash the dishes they've dirtied? That makes absolutely no fucking sense. I am NOT their mother, and I will not clean up their mess for them.



1 month living here and I already want to move out. I should have just listened to my gut all along and moved into a nice 1 bedroom where I would have no one to blame except myself if things got left undone. And it's not just the dishes. It's that neither of them want to pitch in for anything. I brought everything for the kitchen, dining room and half of the living room. They brought... the stuff for their bedrooms. We don't even have a couch because they were unwilling to help pay for one.

Not only that, but neither of them clean. They don't leave things laying around, but the apartment actually needs cleaning sometimes. Like that layer of grease on the stove that someone left there. That needs cleaning up because our white stove is now orange, brown and yellow. And they were both perfectly content showering in a bathtub filled with mildew. I cleaned that up really fast, but neither of them made any effort. And how about instead of complaining that the floors make your socks dirty on the bottom you mop? I've mopped the whole apartment twice. 1 of my roommates has yet to mop at all other than her own bedroom.

I understand that everyone has different standards of clean, but when you complain about something being dirty, isn't that cause to just clean it yourself?


This is shitty. I'd rather move back home and live under my mom's rules than continue to live here with disrespectful roommates. Ugh. Shitty.

As I promised before, you can now have pictures of Zeppelin. Plus a few more.








Zeppelin and Bosco playing for the first time.


Out at the park!








And that's all I have of him so far.

But here's a picture of the skyline only a few blocks from where I live.



And finally, Dave and I say hi!

So.


I'm at work.



I literally work in a cage.


No joke. A cage. Full of choral music. I file things, I pull music out for the Choral Department Chair when he asks, and other than that, I am a glorified coffee-maker and organizer.

It's aight. A little boring and lonely since I'm the only one working in the cage, but it's aight. It's money. I make my own hours as long as my shit gets done. Which is nice, but also very tempting to leave early and often even when I know I've got more to do. I'm learning self-discipline skills.

Right now I've finished all my work, however, since no one is really around to supervise me, I'm just staying a little longer to get a little more money. I suppose I could start on my list of shit to do for Monday, but if I finish it, what will I do Monday? I suppose I could take a day off, but probably not. My supervisor, Doctor Sinclair (Choral music dept. chair) won't be here Monday. That might be nice. Get my shit done at my own pace. Mmm. My own pace.


I moved into my apartment. It doesn't feel like home yet. It's something I'm working on. I need posters. Fo' sho. Also, a couch.


I believe when I get home I'll take pictures of at least my bedroom and show you.

Also, you need to see pictures of my new dog! His name is Zeppelin. He's black and brown, a Rottweiler mix and just about the sweetest thing I've ever met. He's about 5 years old, and the shelter thinks he may have lived in a backyard for most of his life before he was turned in to animal control. He doesn't have any house manners and doesn't know any commands, but it's something I'm working on with him. He seems to be really smart and he's learning what I'm teaching him fairly quickly, which is nice. I like having smart dogs. He's having a very hard time understanding the concept of "no bite", which is one of the biggest things I need to teach him. He doesn't really bite hard, he just nips at you when he's feeling playful, but it's annoying and he's a big guy so it kind of hurts. I also really need to somehow get him to like his crate. I've tried everything people have suggested but he just does not like being in his crate. I guess it's just something he'll come to like in time.

So you will get pictures of him ASAP.


Other than that, I'm just chillin' yo. I'mma head home now. PEACE!

Moving is stressful. Very stressful.


And I have way more shit than I thought I did.



I think I've packed a lot. Then I go into my room and it doesn't look like I've done anything. Granted, I can't move any of the furniture out because I can't lift it down the stairs, so that's obviously still stuck in there. But still. It just looks like I haven't done anything significant. It just looks just a little more empty. Just a little though. And then I go into the garage and there are just tons of boxes everywhere. I have most of Thursday left to work, all of Friday, some of Saturday and that's it. I move in on Monday. Saturday night I head to Dave's since I have a church gig to sing at Sunday morning. THEN the rest of Sunday will be spent driving an hour to pick up my new dog! And while that's very exciting, it's cutting into my packing time.

I don't even know how much packing I have left to do. I have no concept of how much I really have left to do. I may be going crazy.


I just want everything to go well. I don't want to forget something important, or accidentally throw something important away. And I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard not to bring things I don't need. Turns out I'm much more of a packrat than I thought.




Our next door neighbors have a phone that sounds pretty much EXACTLY like ours and it bugs me every time their windows are open and I hear it because I always think it's ours and it just never is. Rawr rawr rawr.


I'm having trouble sleeping lately. I always have trouble sleeping when I'm under a lot of stress. There's just too much on my mind and then I just start thinking of it all and I can't sleep. I hate that.


I'm very tired. I think it's time for bed. Indeed. Goodnight.

Ah. It's that time of the year folks. The time where I reflect upon the past school year.


I already did one of these sort of, but mostly it turned into an "oh em gee, i like, totally am in love with dave! like oh em gee!" sort of entry. Which is nice. I like writing them. But I'm going to try not to mention him in this one as much because many other significant things have happened this year that are equally worth mentioning.



I did a lot of shit this year. Some of it most people would consider stupid. I disagree, but that's another story completely.

Among the top of my crazy list is that I dropped acid. Not once. Heck, I liked it enough the first time to give it one more shot, which was definitely WAY more worth it than the first time. (don't worry, it's not physically addicting. Mentally maybe, but It's been almost 4 months now without it and I'm a-ok, kids!) I experienced a lot of crazy shit. Heck, Dave said "BOO!" and I got so scared, I started crying. Haha. His cat became the Cheshire Cat. The hallway between his kitchen and living room looked like the longest, darkest tunnel in the world. For 16 hours, I went on a completely mind altering, but totally wonderful journey where wood grain melted and I gained a true appreciation for blacklights and computer visualizations.

But even crazier than that, I tried DMT, one of, if not THE strongest hallucigen on the planet. For 10 minutes of my life, I sat on a couch and just completely fell into a Grateful Dead poster. It was like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. For those of you who do not know what DMT is, it's a chemical that your brain naturally produces and it's what causes your dreams. Needless to say, it was a little insane. And I didn't even feel the effects nearly as much as the other people I tried it with.

On the complete opposite end, I don't think I went longer than 2 weeks without smoking marijuana. And you know what? My brain is not fried whatsoever. You'd think after the acid, DMT and constant marijuana use I'd be a total burnout. I'm not. I promise. I can now say for certain that the government is very good at propaganda, because everything your health classes told you would happen when you smoke pot hasn't happened to me at all. And after 8 months of constant use, I think I'd start to feel those effects by now. I really hope it one day gets legalized. The only bad thing that happens from it is that you get a little extra plaque on your teeth and your lungs get a little blacker. But hey. No one's ever died from it or gotten cancer from it, which isn't quite the case with cigarettes. What's the real drug now?


I went into college expecting crazy parties every weekend. It didn't quite happen that way, but I can say I've gotten quite a few keggers under my stretched-out-because-I-gained-the-college-15-and then some-belt. And that was fun for sure. If I don't ever do it again though, I think I'll be perfectly content. If there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that I'm a homebody. Granted, I kind of felt homeless for certain parts of the year (the dorms just never felt like home.) but that's ok. Dave's apartment kind of became my home. After a while I just started helping pay for groceries, toilet paper and little things they needed around the place. But regardless, I really found out that I'm much more content, especially in cold weather, to stay inside all the time with just a few close people than being with hundreds of drunken college students. I would much rather lay around, not doing a single thing, sometimes not even saying a single word with Dave in bed. Maybe watching a movie. Maybe just watching life go by. That's comfort to me. Some people consider that lazy, and I suppose I am. I don't mind. I'm tired of trying to do what other people tell me is the right way to live my life. Most of those people are wrong anyway.


I learned how to text like MAD this year. It happened so naturally too! Everyone just used text messaging as their primary mode of contact, and I just kind of forced myself to learn. Which is strange, since in the past I've had a very anti-technology viewpoint. (I still think technology will cause the downfall of man and is pretty much to blame for everyone's shitty ways of living.) But I suppose it's not all bad. I actually found myself perusing cell phone websites looking for the latest in cell phone technology. That's much different than a year ago when I just wanted a phone that would freakin' call people. No cameras, no music players, just a fucking phone. Simplicity still remains my prime goal and motivation in life, however, it's kind of cool to think about how far technology has come. I just want to get my toes a little wet and see how it feels.


Around this time last year, I gave up pretty much all commercial products. I was making my own laundry detergent with baking soda, vinegar and Ivory soap, I gave up normal toothpaste in favor of baking soda and lemon juice (which, by the way, worked way better than any whitening toothpaste I've ever tried.), I gave up commercial shampoos and soap and tried to live naturally. No chemicals. College really forced me to give that up. Which kind of sucks, and I feel bad. We need to treat the earth better and use the resources it already was giving to us. However, people are lazy. Why spend 20 minutes grating up soap for a load of laundry when you can just pour a chemical concoction with tens of names you can't pronounce in in under 5 seconds? But that's a rant for another day. I hope that when I move to my apartment, I'll be able to live more naturally again.


This past year I gave up vegetarianism. Many of you will cheer and go, "Yay meat!" However, as much as I enjoy the taste of a cheeseburger, I don't enjoy the groggy feeling I get from eating it. I've gained over 20 pounds this year. I stepped onto a scale today and came in at a whopping 165 pounds. YIKES! I weighed 140 pounds at the start of college. I can no longer feel my hip bones without having to dig for them. That's not good. Not good at all. I can attribute my weight gain to not having to climb 4 flights of stairs between classes and of course the late night munchies, but I can also attribute it to the amount of meat I've eaten. I ate just as many french fries, slices of pizza and just as much greasy food when I was a vegetarian and I was a very consistent weight. Then I added meat to the equation and I immediately started packing on the pounds. Not only that, but I'm way more sluggish, groggy, tired and sick than I'd ever been when I wasn't eating meat. Fuck that. A cheeseburger just isn't worth it. I can get the same cheeseburger taste in a meatless burger, and that's exactly what I think I'll do again. I was a much more chipper and energetic person before. A burger here, or a ham sandwich there just isn't worth losing energy over. Chicken may remain, but in small quantities only. No red meat whatsoever. That's my goal and I know for sure I can stick with it this time since I've seen how I get when I eat meat. Will it be hard? It's always hard being the odd one out. But I did it when I lived in a house with 3 other meat eaters who were constantly criticizing my decision. I don't care what other people say any more. I'm not going to argue and say that one way is right and one way is wrong. I'll accept the negativity when uneducated people naively tell me I'll be malnourished. I know how my body feels, and I'm going to do what makes me feel better. It's no longer about ending animal cruelty. That's a hopeless cause when everyone's traditions are firmly planted in being carnivores. It's now become about my health, which is a much more important factor in my life than anything really. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of wanting to sleep the day away. I wasn't like this in high school, and I shouldn't be like that now.


I moved out of my dorm today. I wish I knew that I'd get a boyfriend with an apartment. Then I wouldn't have racked up $10,000 of debt for food and housing that I never used. Many of you will laugh and say, "then why didn't you just stay in your dorm more often?" I wish you all went to school in a city with a surplus of apartment buildings surrounding it. The only people who live in the dorms are freshman, sophomores and international students who like living in their native countries for the summer. And to top it off, VanderCook shared the dorms with a nerd school. Illinois Institute of Technology students are much more concerned with studying and passing those tests than they are with going out of their way to socialize. At least, most of the people I'd encountered, especially on my floor, were like that. The dorms were no fun. Did you know the IIT campus was ranked 9 out of 10 for the top most depressing college campuses in the country? Let me give you an example. Every building on campus, with the exception of the small campus center and the newer dorms, were all tan brick rectangles. Nothing had any shape. Nothing was old enough to have really interesting architecture, but nothing was new enough to be considered cool. No. Every building was shaped like a box with windows. There's no color on the campus at all. Everything is the same shade of tan. The campus center was once considered modern, back in the 50s when it was built. The color scheme is unfinished grey concrete, steel and a really random splash of orange on one of the walls. The inside of the dorms didn't look much better; old linoleum floors, and white stone walls. Needless to say, nothing about the campus was particularly warm or welcoming. Even the new dorms weren't welcoming. In a failed attempt to be modern and trendy, it was the same scheme as the campus center. The walls and floors are all unfinished grey concrete. The furniture they provide is silver steel with splashes of black and white. The entire campus looks like a prison. Why would you want to stay in a place that feels like a prison, when you can consistently stay in a place where you have friends and don't feel trapped?


I'm very nervous about moving into my apartment. My lease starts June 1st, but technically we're not moving in until later that week, so the landlord can get people in to repaint and professionally clean the place. I keep going over things in my mind. Do I need this? Can I throw that away? Have I packed this yet? More importantly, where the hell did I pack that? We've all got money for the place, I just don't want to forget anything. I also need to buy a bed. I refuse to take my twin size bed to my college apartment. A slutty decision? Maybe. But there's no way I'm sharing a twin size bed or forcing my boyfriend to sleep on the couch. Nu-uh. Not happening. Also, I just really like stretching out.

Which brings me to my next point. I like stretching out. And the nights where I don't have a boyfriend over, I'll be sharing my bed with my dog. I've purposely arranged my classes to have 4-6 hour breaks in the middle of the day to come home and take care of my dog. And that required signing up for some very early morning classes to do that. My mom has said she's almost 100% positive that I'll be able to take Bosco. But it's not unconditional. You see, my sister is moving to Tennessee and has been fighting with my mom to bring Bosco with her. However, Tennessee is very far, and in case anything happens to her or the dog, there's no way to get out there or to bring the dog back conveniently. So, in secret, my mom has said that I can take the dog, but my sister is not to know. I see multiple things going wrong with this plan. I mean, she's going to find out eventually. There's no way to keep a dog a secret. But I also understand where my mom is coming from. She's tired of having to come home all the time to let the dog out. She doesn't want the responsibility any more. She knows she's not giving the dog a very fulfilling life since Bosco's home alone for 8 hours of the day while my mom is at work and my sister ignores her. She knows that I'm going to take better care of the dog, I'm going to be with her more often, I'm not going to tell her to "go away" like Christina does and I'm going to finally train her. Both my mom and sister complain about how the dog doesn't listen, yet they refuse to learn how to train the dog properly. My mom still believes in using a rolled up newspaper and smacking the dog on the nose when she does something wrong. That may have somehow worked at one point, but all that does is make your dog afraid of you every time you lift your arm higher than your head, and no dog should live in fear of the people they live with. Will apartment life be more difficult for the dog? I don't think so. My apartment is probably the same size as most of my house minus the garage. Will city life be a little stressful? That's the thing. Bosco will have to learn to cope with a fenced in yard where she can't chase the geese. However, I don't think she'll complain about being taken on a walk two or three times a day.

What do I do if I don't get Bosco? I'll end up adopting another dog. I'm not looking for a puppy. I want to adopt a dog who hasn't had such a good life so far and just needs a loving home. I don't like living without a dog. I miss their company, and cats just aren't a good substitute. Of course I'll be upset that I can't take Bosco. Everyone else in my family feels like I do, but I really really really feel that Bosco is MY dog. I'm the one she tackled in the Petsmart parking lot. She didn't run to my sister or my mom. She saw me, knocked me over and immediately started licking me all over. She listens to me over anyone else. I'm the only one who would take her to the dog park, or take her on walks. I find a lot of enjoyment spending hours throwing a tennis ball or frisbee around with her. All my mom wants from her is for her to lay in the corner and be quiet. That's no life for a dog. My sister equally thinks Bosco belongs to her. I give her credit that she takes her on a walk once a week, but she refuses to properly train the dog to behave on a leash, and then she complains and yells at the dog when she pulls. She walked just fine with me when I was home working with her all of last summer. It's ashame none of my family felt compelled to continue training her. It's just kind of a crappy situation to be stuck in, and I really hope that Bosco gets to live with me. Not only because I'm selfish and I love the dog, but also for Bosco's health. Why does she chew up the furniture when no one's home? Gee, I don't know. Maybe because no one does anything with her and she's bored sitting alone for 8 hours at a time. That's not a good life at all.


Oh boy. I need to wrap this up, it's almost 1:30. Uhh. Long story short, first year of college is over. Time to move on and try to improve my life. The end. I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

 I am bored. Lame lame lame.



The end.

With the school year fast approaching an end, I've been doing a lot of my "almost summer" thinking.

Just go back and every year around this time I make some ridiculous list of things I'd like to do for the summer. Most of them still apply. Only I get to change the scenery and environment this year.

Which brings me to one of my main reasons for writing this entry.

I've successfully convinced my mom to let me move out and finally be on my own. I'll have my own apartment starting June 1st and that's really it. I'll officially never be able to say "I'm going home" and mean going anywhere but 3417 S. Aberdeen Street.

I'll refer to the house in Glendale Heights as "my mom's house". Not mine.

And where the hell did time go? I've said this before, and I'm going to say it just once more: I'm pretty sure I'm still 12. There's no way I'm old enough to live on my own.

And then I think of my mom when she was my age and I realize she was already married and moved out at 18, and I'm almost 20 now. How strange.


You know what's really weird? I wish I was still in high school. I love having as much freedom as I do here in collge, but I miss the sense of innocence that you still had. It was the perfect age really; when you're 17 and 18 you're just old enough to not be completely childish anymore but you still have that child-like sense of wonder for what comes after high school. You have almost no responsibility, but you're old enough to do things on your own and go out and do things when you want. Why did I ever take that for granted? Why was I ever excited to go to college?

My first year at college has had many pros, but also it's fair share of cons. Really all it comes down to is that I should have attended a bigger school. VanderCook's curriculum is so awesome, I just wish it wasn't so damn small.

Last night was Dave's senior recital. What an accomplishment. On the way there he offered a small tidbit of advice, and I'm going to really try to listen to him. He wasn't a great student, and I've never been either, and his opinion is probably the most important to me. So I'm for sure going to really try to listen to his advice more often.

You know what he gets to do now, if all goes well? Student teach. Then after only half a school year of that he's thrown out into the really really real world of being an actual teacher and then that's it. No more college unless he decides to go for another degree, no more screwing around. Adulthood.

I hate the age difference between us. It's technically only 2 years. He was born in 87, I was born in 89. And yet while he's out there in that really really real world, I'll still be an undergraduate student still working towards that first bachelor's degree. That's a whopper of a maturity difference.

Which brings me to my next point, and probably the most important of this entire entry. I'm really really ridiculously in love with the guy. We argue and fight sometimes over the dumbest shit, but when things are going good, they go really really good. It's like the line in Love Hurts by Incubus where it goes, 'love sings when it transcends the bad things'. Fur surious.

At this point, I can't imagine being without him. That's another whopper of a statement. He knows me better than anyone else. He knows exactly what to do in any situation that I throw at him, and that's important, because I'm really ridiculous sometimes. He puts up with a lot of shit because of me, and I'm completely retarded because I never seem to be able to express how much I love him and appreciate what he does and the time we spend together. And that totally blows because he's really good at communicating and I never have to wonder if he loves me, because he always manages to find a way to let me know.

 My mom keeps telling me to "date around". My family loves Dave. They think he's a great guy. Dave's family seems to really like me, and they're extra happy that I'm not trashy and that I'm genuinely not here to hurt him. I understand my mom's point of view. I'm 19, and my relationship with Dave is the most serious I've ever had. I'm sure there are plenty of other people out there in the world who will make me happy too. But why should I do any more looking if I've already found someone so good? It's not a "too-good-to-be-true" situation. Both of us do a good share of work to make our relationship work. We both understand that it's not always really exciting and fun, we understand that arguments aren't the end of the world, and though it's a hassle and at times is totally sucky, fighting happens and we've both gotten pretty ok at not letting that interfere with that we simply just love each other.

He's not perfect. But I'm not either, and I'm ok with that. I think that because we have to work at keeping each other happy and keeping our relationship healthy, we have a much better relationship than I've ever had. The more Dave and I are together, the more I realize I've never really loved anyone as wholly as I do him. I've never been so attached to anyone or anything.

I spent a lot of time thinking I needed to recover from previous relationships before I met Dave. It all just seems so silly now. It sounds cruel, but looking back, I've just never been in love with anyone. I was in love with the idea of them. I loved the idea of having someone love me, but I wasn't in love with them as a person. And that blows. But what was I going to do? Being 17 is a wonderful age, but I was just still too young to really comprehend just how deep and how serious a word it is.

Maybe I'll feel this way in 10 years again when I look back and think of me and Dave. I don't know what the future holds for me. I do know, however, that at this stage in my life I've never felt as good as I do now for any reason whatsoever. This year was just a really influential year. It was a completely new chapter in my life and finding someone so great during this period was one the best things that's happened thus far. It was just really good timing. I'm not a child anymore. Through spending so little time at my dorm and spending as much time as I do with Dave I feel like I have a really good idea of what it is to live on my own, and that's one of the biggest eye openers of your life, I think.


As scary as our future maturity difference is right now, I really feel prepared to just roll with the punches and deal with it well. I love doing typical college things like spending entire weekends getting totally hammered, waking up hungover and doing the exact same thing all over again. That's fucking fun as shit. But I won't be interested in it forever, and I feel like by the time I'm starting to get tired of that lifestyle, it's going to coincide with the time that Dave's out in that really really real world teaching and having the stress of being a fully independant adult.

Which when I think about it, it's going to be so awesome. Because of our age difference, until we're both out of college and we're both teaching, we're always going to be at different maturity levels, and the more I keep thinking about it, the more I realize how much of a difference is already apparent. I've just started college, he's going to be leaving it. He's giving me advice about how to spend the rest of college and how not to waste it, and we're working just fine together now. Really, just think about it: this is a constant learning experience for me, and that's so cool. As much as we'll be worried about different things when he's teaching and I'm preparing a junior recital, I don't think it's going to matter anymore. And as much as he'll be indirectly forcing me to mature faster than other people my age, I think that's cool as hell, because I'm going to be way more prepared for everything than everyone and that's tight. It's not going to come as a shock when I just have to stop doing shit because college is over. I'll already be aware of how things are going to work. How cool.



I'm fucking pumped as hell for the future. I'm nowhere near ready to be like my mom and be married and shit. But I'm about as happy as I'll ever be. I have responsibility, but it isn't as much as having a kid. I have independance and I'm not being stupid about it. I have fucking awesome friends and it's totally the best thing ever that I get to hang out with them all the time. I have the world's most amazing boyfriend that I truly feel in love with and who provides me a constant learning experience and opportunity to grow. There's nothing healthier than that.


I'm fucking going to appreciate every second of life right now, because not everyone is so damn lucky. I couldn't have wished myself a better life.


Sorry if it seems like I'm being really arrogant about things, but I'm really going to enjoy going back and reading this in 10 years when life probably hates me.


Rawr. Life is good.

So. I'm contemplating a very generous offer.

Dave explained my situation with Jack to his parents, and apparently as of yesterday, they would be alright with keeping the dog for the few weeks that are left in the school year.

The only problem is that that's soooo much responsibility for them. I have no idea how the dog will behave outside of the pet store and I'd feel horrible if the dog was absolutely horrible and started chewing everything and misbehaving. They said he was mostly trained, but what's mostly?

They already have another dog in their house and usually new dogs learn from the older dogs, but still. Just in case.

So what do I do? Do I take their offer? I feel like it's way too generous to refuse.

So I told my sister and she said she was going to talk to my mom about keeping the dog at home.

My mom is just crazy enough to change her mind when she hears that Dave's parents would take him. There's a very good possibility that my mom will just be like, "Oh. They're going to take him? No way. He can stay here." Any chance of someone being more of a parent to me than her and she'll change her mind.

So hopefully I won't have to burden Dave's parents with another dog and my mom will just let him stay at home.


But if she doesn't, what do you guys think? Would it be totally rude and irresponsible to let Dave's parents take him for 3 weeks?



Hmph. Choices.

Jack is the dog I'm potentially adopting.

I met him yesterday at Petsmart and we both fell in love with each other. As soon as he realized I was bending down to pet him he jumped up on me and proceeded to lick me all over my face. Then he practically jumped into my arms and wouldn't let me leave.

He's 1 year old, already semi trained, housebroken and he's pretty much the cutest thing ever.

This is what he looks like: http://www.almosthomefoundation.org/dogs/dogs2008/dicey.htm

He's listed as Dicey on their website but I'm definitely calling him Jack. The woman said he was a Labrador mix and he's definitely really really cute. Those pictures don't do justice.


The only problem is that I found him too soon. I don't move out of my dorm until May  7th, and I move into my apartment June 1st. I talked to some people at the foundation, but they don't hold dogs, so by the time I could take him, he might already be adopted.

The really sad thing is that his foster parent dropped him off at Petsmart yesterday for the adoption show, but they weren't coming back for him and now he has to live in a kennel until someone decides to adopt him or foster him. Poor guy. The woman who was handling him yesterday said he was pretty much ready to go home with someone immediately. I could have taken him yesterday.

Only problem is that my mom doesn't want to take care of the dog while I'm still away at school for the next few weeks. So my sister offered to take care of him while I was away still, but my mom doesn't want the dog in the house at all if I'm not there to train him. Otherwise everything would be done and I'd have Jack.

I'm going to feel really bad when I go on the foundation website in 3 weeks and see that he's already been adopted. :(

Dilemma dilemma. So now all I can do is keep calling the foundation to check up and see if anyone's adopted him and keep my fingers crossed that no one has. :(

Wish me luck.

 I've been sleeping very little lately. For the past week or so I've been waking up super early in the morning, (think: anywhere between 3-5am) /just not getting very restful sleep. Last night I woke up crying twice because I had a dream that my mom gave my dog away. Wtf?

I guess it doesn't help that I'm super stressed about a shit ton of stuff. I've found roommates for an apartment, we've found a SUPER nice place in our price range (it even allows big dogs. Hello, Bosco!) and everything should be fine and dandy.

Except that it's not. I just have this really bad feeling about everything. I guess it probably stems from the fact that my mom is only 75% about me living here over the summer. I'm going home this weekend to talk financial matters and see if I can get her 100% on board. She doesn't care that I'm living here over the summer, but she does care about where the money's going to come from to pay for it. It's completely understandable, I really can't argue with her trying to save me money, but I just really don't want to be home for the summer when I know I'll be in the city like 3 nights a week anyway.


Speaking of financial matters, IIT sent a bill to my house for $14,000 and said it was already late. What the fuck? I have to for serious, talk to the business office at both IIT and VanderCook. I only have to pay IIT for housing, and housing is NOWHERE near $14,000. I emailed one lady in VanderCook's business office already, and she essentially said to talk to the other people. Ugh. Thank you VCM for being made of so much fail.


I'm so nervous about this apartment. Don't get me wrong, my roommates and I are good friends, except I just don't know what it's going to be like living with them. I can already see fights over who's taking the biggest room (it's gigantic. the other 2 are just normal size) and I for sure see fights about keeping the place clean. Obviously, I don't care about how anyone's bedroom looks, but I swear if I have to live in an apartment where my roommates don't care how messy the kitchen, bathrooms and living room get, I WILL go crazy because I just don't want to live in a messy place. Unfortunately for me, both of my roommates are extremely messy. I'm worried because I'll be the only person concerned with keeping the place clean, which I think will mean that my opinion will matter least.

I just don't want to end up being the bitchy roommate who's constantly nagging and hassling everyone to clean up after themselves, and not let the dishes pile in the sink to the point where we've run out of silverware/plates. Also, the apartment that we found is surrounded by kids. The people in the basement of the building have a 4 year old, and the building to the right of ours has kids living on 2 of the 3 floors. I love kids. That's not a problem. Except that all 3 of us smoke a lot of marijuana. I'm not going to risk getting us evicted by smoking in the apartment, but I don't think either of my roommates will agree with me on this. I have a very strong feeling their argument will be: "But it's our place and I'm going to do what I want in it. Besides, they can't smell the smoke." Except that as soon as one of the parents around us smells the smoke they're for sure going to complain, and that's definite grounds for eviction. And we can't risk getting evicted. Dave found the apartment for us by calling his landlord to see if he had anything open, and if we get evicted for smoking pot, that's going to make Dave look really bad too.


My entire head is just swarming with things that can go wrong with this. My gut is pretty much just telling me to live on my own, except that I can't afford to do that. I don't get why a 1 bedroom apartment costs upward of $500. That's way too expensive for such a tiny living space.




Mostly, I just really want to sleep a full 8 hours one night this week. Just one night. That's all I'm asking for.


Alas, now to get ready to go to school from 8am-6:30 pm with no breaks. Fuck you VanderCook for having such shitty schedules. It's like I'm still in high school.

Since when are paisley maxi-dresses back in fashion? This whole "boho-chic" movement going on right now really needs to stop.


I swear to god, the minute I see a 14 year old girl wearing a paisley maxi dress and a peace sign calling herself a "hippie" I WILL have NO problem shooting her in the face.


Hippies were anti-pretty much EVERYTHING that had to do with high fashion. They dressed the way they did to rebel against the mainstream culture. It makes absolutely NO sense to bring "hippie fashion" to the runways and make it trendy. UGH.


This pisses me off. The only plus to this is that I DON'T have to rummage through thrift stores to find cool things.

everything else can suck my balls.

Ugh. I guess we'll wait to see if it really takes off with America's youth. But seriously. If I walk around hearing a whole bunch of teenage girls calling themselves hippies JUST because they happen to be wearing a headband across their foreheads and a maxi dress they just paid $50 for, I will go on a rampage and steal their lives. No joke. Watch out. I'll do it.

 LALALALALA!!!


I have absolutely no reason to write this entry. None. None at all.


I do not want to go to math tonight. Nope. Not at all. Maybe if the teacher taught the class, then I'd go. But she doesn't teach so I have no motivation to go to a class where I'm not learning anything.


Lame. Fucking lame.


The end.

So in the spirit of celebrating a relatively unimportant anniversary (Dave and I being together for 5 months) we went out to Greek Town and had dinner.

Which was awesome. I had lamb which was totally cool since I'd never had it before and it was delicious. Though it also slightly reminded me of really like the show Lamb Chop as a child. Regardless, lamb + pita + baklava = deliciousness.

It was just cute. We sort of dressed up, I actually took more than 10 minutes to get ready which is strange, but that's ok. I'm getting used to it. The whole thing was just cute and awesome.



And then we went back to the apartment and hung around and cuddled and generally just more being cute happened.

*insert explicit details here*


Overall, I had a really great night and I'd love to do it again. Except not at the same restaurant. Mostly because the bill was $74 for two people. Ouch. Good thing I have a nice refund check from taking out too much in student loans!



In other news, I am one step closer to buying a new flute. Ironically enough, it's a total step down from my current flute, but I just sound better on this potential new one. I tested it at IMEA last friday and the first note I played I fell in love with how it sounded and felt under my fingers. Techincally, it's a beginner flute but it's got some sweet professional level custom adjustments (like extended B foot, open holes and split e mechanism. Yes, I'm a dork.)


The kicker is that it's only $700! Because it's an older model, the Trevor James flute company discontinued this specific model and so it's basically on super clearance. Which is sweet!

Except that because it's pretty much super-clearance, Quinlan and Fabish, the distributor through which I'm buying the flute won't do a payment plan. So I need to come up with a way to pay all $700 all at once. My credit card limit is only $500, so that's out of the question. But, luckily I have that sweet refund check money that I can use.

Then hopefully I'll be able to sell my current flute which is worth more and then I'll get all $700 back and then some. But that's if I can find someone willing to buy it. If I can't then I'm screwed.

However, Quinlan and Fabish DOES offer a consignment program where I give them my flute and tell them a listing price and they'll sell it for me. But they take 20% of the money. So if I sell mine for $1,000 I'd really only get $800 back.


This is a troublesome situation. I'll have to think on it.


On to my next issue. Summer/next year's housing. Mostly it just comes down to that I can't find a roommate. People are either not coming back to VCM, or they've already found roommates or have their own apartment already. I talked to my friend Jessie to see if she wanted to room with me, except that she wants to be an RA for the dorms next year. But she said if she didn't get it, then she'd for sure move in next year. That's the problem though. Hardly anyone gets turned down for RA positions. So that plan is pretty much unreliable.

There's always the option of living alone, which I'd be totally willing to do. Except that, A: It's more expensive, and B: Ultimately I think I'd spend way too much time at Dave's because I'd have no incentive to go home to an empty place. Then that's a total waste of paying extra for rent when I could have split it with someone else.

But I kind of think I'd enjoy living alone better. It's totally selfish but I don't want to have to worry about roommate problems with not paying rent or bills and such and also just because then I get the entire place to myself and I just don't have to worry about being considerate if they're trying to study and I want to jump around pretending I'm a rockstar. Also, who doesn't love walking around naked? Come on. Everyone loves that and I'm no exception. I could just pretty much live without clothes on. So though my reasons may be selfish, I think it would just be easier to live alone. Also, if I live alone I could find a really really small place for cheaper rent and it wouldn't matter because I don't have to share the space. It would just all be mine and I could put my shit where it fits.


I'm feeling a little stressed lately. Can you tell? Ugh. But now it's time for music theory and that means getting off Livejournal.


So long, friends!

I wasn't aware people were still obsessing over Rent. I was never a huge fan. I saw the movie, and I saw it on stage and it was just ok both times. Actually, it sucked on stage, but only because the sound system was shit. Regardless, it wasn't worth obsessing over like everyone else did. So I'm walking into the midi lab, waiting for Dave to get out of class so we can head home and coming from the computer like 4 away from me someone was blaring Rent music and buying tickets to see it on stage.


Lame-o.

Rent: Lick my balls. You have shitty music. Story line was alright, but you just have such shitty music. Stop existing. Right now. Ugh.




Dude! I got my ukulele yesterday! It was so exciting! I already know like 8 chords. It's awesome. My fingertips hurt really bad, but it's ok. It's just such a cool instrument!! I'm in love. :)

Dave and I hung out all day in the suburbs yesterday. It was awesome. We went downtown Geneva and I was totally gonna take him to wild roots but it was closed. Lame sauce.

Ok. So I'm going to go. K bye.

I'm updating this because mostly because Dave just reminded me. Also, he's playing video games in Julian's room with Don and I got bored with watching them, so I'm keeping myself entertained. But first, I need to pee.

Ok back. So in other news, I'm in both string techniques courses at VanderCook, so by the end of the semester, I'll be halfway decent on violin, viola, cello and double bass. Rock on. I <3 string instruments. They're much prettier sounding than wind instruments. Boo.


So I'm also in Chamber Singers this semester. What now?! SUCK IT COVALLE! Dude. I'm still bitter that I never made it to chamber choir at West. I haven't had any voice lessons since the beginning of senior year until now. I promise I have the exact same voice that I did in high school and I'm pissed that Covalle had me audition but knew all along she didn't want me in the group. Way to act like a high schooler. I'm so glad she got fired. Serves her right.

/end tangent. But suriously. Chamber singers is way cool, and I'm in VanderCook's women's acapella group which is also way cool. I wish I got more involved in choir in high school instead of just being in regular concert choir, oh well. At least I'm doing what I want now. If only I could drop band... Ugh.

So I have to do this semi-sweet project for my music tech. class. We had to get in groups and create a video related to music or music ed. and compose an original soundtrack on Sibelius. Rad, dude. So my group is doing a video on what the trials and tribulations of learning a new instrument, and I'm totally learning Ukulele. I'M SO PUMPED! It's only like, my favorite instrument of my life. I can't wait until it gets here. Weee!



Alright. So I'm going to go watch a movie with Dave and Don. I'll keep you guys posted about life later.

Ok. This is ridiculous.

I hate being back home. For multiple reasons. But above all because of my mother.


Why in the whole wide world do I still get grounded!? I'm pretty sure I'm not 5 any more. UGH. And above all, it's for not keeping my room as immaculate as it was when I wasn' sleeping in it. WTF.

It was looking pretty bad for a while, even I knew that, and so I cleaned it - willingly and without being told. Now the only thing on my floor is a small pile of clothes that need to be packed and taken back to school with me, and apparently that's cause for grounding. Well. I'm sorry that I have things that needed to be brought home and thus clutter my room a little more than when I wasn't living in it.

So fuck you mom. You make my life confusing and difficult because I never seem to be able to please you. Even when I'm doing what you want me to be doing, it's just never good enough. All of a sudden I remember why you spent hundreds of dollars in counselling when I used to be really depressed and tried killing myself. You make me feel horrible about myself. You act like a child and gossip about me to the rest of the family. You call me useless, a tramp, a whore, and a bunch of other things I don't even want to get into. I'm sorry, but I think I deserve to be treated a little better.

I don't care that you won't help me move out. I don't care that you'll be mad when you see my things in boxes and being taken out the door. I don't even care if you disown me and never want to see me again, because quite frankly, I'm fed up with all of your bullshit. If you care about me, you sure have a funny way of showing it. I was never a bad kid, and you won't see that because all my life you've been lying to yourself and saying that I am. Remember when I was really little and you used to say that I'd grow up to be the problem child? WHAT THE FUCK. Who says that about their kids?! I was never a problem child. I never got into half the shit Christina got into, she was just really good at hiding it. So fuck you! I'm so tired of feeling worthless around you. I'm tired of being treated like I'm still 13.



I'm finding an apartment while at school this semester and living in the city over the summer regardless of what she thinks. I can take care of myself, thank you. It may be hard and money may be tight, but it's better than being at home and called a whore.



Ugh. /end rant.

Now I'm not normally one to make resolutions, mostly because I know I won't keep them, but I have a few in mind that I would like to try and keep.

Mostly to do with my social life. Hey Rob, you have an LJ, so I know you'll probably see this... Remember the beginning of the year when we (we as in, you, me, Cassandra, Monica, Luke, Yvanna, Emerson and Chris) used to hang out in your room? Or the night we went to Grant Park and played in the water fountains? Well I miss that. And I realize a lot of not doing that anymore is my fault, and I feel bad about it. A lot of us got so caught up in having a new-found significant other, and I am no exemption to that, and now I feel horrible about neglecting all the people before that.

So number 1 on my resolution list is to open up my social circle, and reconnect with the people who I used to hang out with.


I'll totally admit to myself that I haven't been a good student since elementary school when things were easy. I get that. But I think it's about time I grow up and do the work it takes to be a good student. Yeah, so I freely admit that I'm probably the laziest person I know and it totally blows having to wake up at 7:00 for class, but it's just gotta get done.

So, number 2 on my resolution list is to be a better student. I don't expect to pull all A's, I know I'd disappoint myself if I set that goal. So I'll settle for baby-steps in the right direction and hope that easing out of laziness will stick in the long-run.


Number 3 on my list is something that I don't necessarily have that much control over, so this is tentative, but I'd really like to live on my own this summer and establish independance from my mom. A little lofty maybe. You'd feel the same after living with my mother for 19 years, too. She's such a negative person, and I know she's miserable especially since my dad died, but all she does is pull everyone around her down. She's such a smart woman and I wish she'd see that being happy isn't all that horrible or hard if she just put out the effort to be happy. I wish she'd see that the world isn't out to get her and to just get over herself. She's unhappy about so many things, and yet she refuses to change her behavior and wonders why she isn't happier. I can't stand being around that all the time. I wish her all the best, and I've tried so hard to please her and to try to make her a happier person, but she refuses help from everyone. It hurts to say it, but in my mind, leaving her alone is the best option for ME. I can't change her and make her happier, so it's time to focus on me now, and I know I'll be happier away from her.

I'm not saying I'm abandoning her forever, I just can't take living at home with her anymore. I think living in the city permanently is the best thing for my well-being, and I want to do whatever it takes to make it a reality.

That being said, resolution 4 is try to spend less money and save more so I can afford that summer-time apartment. Which probably means NOT volunteering my checking account when I'm out and a friend doesn't have the money. So be it. It'll be hard at first, but I'm really willing to stick to it. That also probably means less...ahem...$60 ATM withdrawals.....That'll suck for a while, but I'll get over it. I'm good at adapting. I'm like a chameleon!


My last resolution is for Dave specifically. I feel like I haven't been trying all that much towards our relationship, and I know I can be a better girlfriend than what I have been recently. So, resolution 5 is to just be a better girlfriend. Dave deserves someone 10x more awesomely mind-blowing than the person I've been lately, and I know I can be that person if I just put out a little more effort. And I know you'll probably end up reading this, Dave, so don't think that I forget when you tell me at least once a week just how awesome I am. I haven't forgotten, I just don't think I've been doing THAT awesome, and I know I can do better. So prepare yourself. I want you to be the happiest person you can be, with the most amazing girlfriend around because you deserve absolutely nothing less than that, and I'm not satisfied until you get what you deserve.



So with all that said, I think I'm done resoluting. Here I come, 2009!

It's about that time of the year when I look down at my stomach and think, "whoa boy! winter weight!" However, in this case it's winter & college weight.

It's also about that time of the year when Victoria's Secret manages to send their swimsuit catalogue to my house and I look through it and find at least 20 swimsuits that I think are totally adorable.

Please refer to point # 1.


Something's gotta get done about this. Time to get my lazy ass back in shape so if I DO end up lifeguarding again, I won't fail the swimming portion of retraining.