Dear shitty weather, You have ruined my plans for the night. I blame none other than mother earth, and for that, I think tonight I will litter, and drive my car around the block a million times to contribute to our growing concern for greenhouse gasses. Hmph. TAKE THAT!

I am 1 gallbladder lighter.

Went for surgery yesterday, and I am home now and doing ok. Woo hoo!

This is shitty. Things always have to end. Maybe I just shouldn't start things anymore.


Why did I have to move away? I'm so stupid for thinking that everything would just be ok. This is all my fault.


I am completely alone. I hate myself. I have no talents, no goals in life, no plans, no friends. I have nothing, and this really blows. I've fucked everything in my life up.

Went to the doctor today because yesterday I was having really bad stomach pain and kept throwing up.


I was expecting just a diagnosis of "flu symptoms." Nope. Apparently not.


I have gallbladder disease? Weird. Side effect from birth control pills? Wish my gyno would have told me that when I started on them. :(

So I'm going for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to see if there are gallbladder stones. And if there are I'll have to get my gallbladder removed.



Interesting turn of events, I'd say.

This is an honest screen cap. All I wanted to do was ask a question, and these are the reccomendations it gave me before I finished my sentence.



WTF GOOGLE?

Fuck you baseball. I just want to watch House!!!!

Does anyone go on LJ anymore?

I'm contemplating deleting mine.

Change of plans. I dropped out today.

Life is frustrating. No one said it would be easy, and I didn't expect it to be.

I am dropping out of VanderCook at the end of this semester, returning home and going to COD. That's pretty opposite of most things. Most people go to COD and then transfer to a 4 year university.

Why the switch?


High school, even middle school to some extent only existed to say "If you don't figure out what you want to do now for the rest of your life, we consider you a failure, and you are worthless as a person." And in that respect, I went to college, not having any idea of what I wanted to do, just going because music was the only thing I could think of that I could do well. Why VanderCook? All of my music directors suggested it, and my guidance counsellor was an English major who could provide absolutely no guidance in anything other than journalism, business and English.


I've quickly learned that not only do I fucking HATE VanderCook with a passion, I've learned that I still have no clue what I want to do with my life.


I like animals. What are my career options for that? Being a vet, I guess. Except that's not possible because I have absolutely no math or science abilities. Ok. So that option is out the window.

I just want to play music. That's all. Who really succeeds with a performance degree though? Very few people. And those who don't only end up getting a degree in music education eventually. And I don't want to teach. Not one bit. I'm too self absorbed, too self conscious and just too self to really be a good teacher.

Ok. What else do I like doing?

I like acting. Again, a degree with very little probability of getting a job after college.

So thus, I have no clue what I want to do.


So I'm finishing this semester, packing up and leaving the city, and moving home to go to community college where I won't be wasting money on a degree I don't want. I'll just be taking gen. eds, and maybe just taking a few interesting classes here and there. I'll probably just be half or part time status. But that's alright with me.

I'll get a job on the side to help support the things I want, like a car and a new keyboard.


I have this music project that I do on the side. Ideally, I'd like to focus 100% of my effort on this project and really refine and develop a good sound and start gigging seriously and see where that gets me. I don't think I'm great yet, but I don't think I'm completely untalented. I honestly feel that if I just find the right niche of listeners I could be pretty successful as a singer/songwriter. This of course, is lofty, and probably more unlikely than acting on a stage somewhere, but this is what I would really really really, more than ANYTHING like to do. And it will take some serious effort, and some pretty serious time invested, but it's what I really want to do. More than anything else I can think of. Music is my passion, and creating, and just letting music flow from me is the most rewarding thing. And creating your own music, without boundaries, without rules, without limits surpasses everything. That's what I don't like about music school. The rules, the boundaries and limits. Music school has made music a chore, and something I don't look forward to. That's not at all how it should be.


And if that fails, which I know it most likely will, I will still have no idea what to do with life. But at least I tried to acheive a goal. That's a lot better than having no goal.


Plus, this is great because I'll still be close enough to the city to visit my friends that I made here, and I'm close enough to my favorite place in the world: The East Branch Dog Park. (yeah. COMPLETELY dorky, I know.) Walking with your dog, letting them run free and having a whole bunch of other dogs there is so rewarding. And East Branch is great because it's more than a patch of grass. It's wide open prairie, and it's a great place to connect with one of my favorite things; nature. Nothing needs to be said here. It's a sacred little place in my mind, and it's perfect. I can't wait to be able to start going daily again. Zeppelin and Bosco will appreciate it too! And they're my favorite animals in the whole wide world, and I love nothing more than just chilling with them and enjoying the earth.


The best part of all is that I'm not moving too far away from Dave. No, I won't be able to see him every day, and that's a bummer because not only do I love him, but he's my best friend. Losing him would be really hard right now. But you know what they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". And we're already quite fond of each other, so being even fonder? That blows my mind.


This is a very frustrating situation. And I hope I can be happy at COD and living at home again. That's going to come with a lot of frustration because I'm so accustomed to going out, doing whatever and living entirely by my own rules. I hope my mom won't still treat me like I'm in high school if I move home. Of course I'll abide by her rules of cleanliness, and general things like not playing the piano at 2am. But I hope she's not going to be a bitch about when I come and go in the house. That's unnecessary. I think I'm a little too old for that now.


I'm excited to go back home. I miss that small old house. I miss having good meals. I miss the smells, I miss my hometown and I miss being close to the city, and close to wide open places, and being able to choose between the two. I miss Bosco. I feel like the memories I made in that house fade with every day I'm not there. Chicago doesn't feel like home, and I've never quite settled into living here comfortably. There's too much noise. Too much going on. I dislike that quite a bit.

Of course, I'll miss my GIGANTIC FUCKING BEDROOM here in the city. It's nice. I can fit my queen size bed comfortably AND all my furniture. I won't be able to do that at home. I'll be able to fit my bed in my room, and not much else. And there's no way I'm giving up my big bed to sleep on a small bed again. Nope. Nope nope nope. Plus both Bosco AND Zeppelin can sleep with me on my big bed. That's nice. I like dogs. They're cuddly.



Now I'm off to find something to do. Most likely sleep. Sleep is wonderful.

I am getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow morning.

Boo.

I really dislike my college.


I just want to attend college and act like a college student. Because that's what I am. I am not a professional teacher already in the field. I am just a college student, and I don't like not being able to act like one.

I don't like that even though they tell us we are professionals, the administration and faculty treat us like, and have even called us "just kids". Hypocritical, no?

I'm 19. It's a weird inbetween sort of age where I'm legally an adult but I'm still a teenager with teenage tendancies, like not wanting to go to boring classes. I'm not a kid, and I'm not really an adult.

I want to go attend classes without attendance policies, because that's how college is. College is that if I decide to skip a class and a professor sees me, it doesn't matter. They have better things to do than to scold me. After all, I'm in college, and I know better.


VanderCook largely treats their undergrads like high-schoolers. I ditched a class last year, the professor saw me leaving right before class, and the next day I was called out on it and yelled at. What? Really?



I want to go to a college where there are people I don't know, and will probably never meet. No more of this 150 student bullshit. Everyone knows everyone's shit and it blows.



And thus, I'm very VERY seriously considering transferring out. I've been researching colleges again, and there's a university in Minnesota that seems promising so far. It's got a student body of about 5,000. That's a good number. It's not too small, and it's not huge. The campus is also surrounded by forest preserve and sits right next to a lake. Which is perfect! I'm so tired of the city. I miss nature. They also have a wicked awesome choral program and tuition is only $8,000. Much better than what I'm paying at shitty VanderCook.


Only problem is that it's in Minnesota. And wayyyy up north in Minnesota. AKA far. And I have a life here in Illinois. I have a nice apartment, friends, a super awesome boyfriend and my family. I give all of that up if I transfer.

Not only that, but because the campus is so rural, off campus housing seems to be harder to come by. There's no way I could live on campus because I have Zeppelin, and giving him away is NOT an option. He's way too cool.

I can't afford to continue going to school in Illinois. Tuition here is so expensive! So it's pretty much either I drop out, or transfer to a cheaper school, and all the cheaper schools are out of state. I also have the option of moving home and going to COD, but I want to go a real school with a good music program.


So I'm super torn. Not only that, but going to college in a rural setting means a lot less opportunities to perform.



I certainly don't want to continue going to a school where I don't ever want to go to class because everything about it bothers me. I don't want to drop out of school completely, but I don't want to move far away. So what do I do?


Dave is a major consideration here. We've already discussed this and he's not interested in anything long term. I don't think I am either. But we've got a great thing going and I don't want to throw it away. That would be a total bummer.



I've got lots of thinking to do. This is a tough situation.

My first iPhone bill is $240.00. My wallet hurts.

Why do phone companies charge you for 2 months on your first bill? And then add ridiculous first time charges?


My bill should only be around $90 a month. This is balls.


And yet I've added up the math on the bill and they are right. $240.

Luckily my next bill and following bills won't be so high. Thank Jebus. Still. $240? :( Money blows.


I'm coming ever closer to abandoning real life to go live a life of solitude in a mountain somewhere.

I am very quickly turning into the crazy dog lady everyone has warned you about.


I get so bored at home I now just take pictures of my dog. Whoa boy.

Behold! Zeppelin being adorable.



And then of course Zeppelin loving laying in a pile of "fresh out of the dryer" laundry.



And I just thought this was a cool picture.

There is a gigantic mostly empty lot with the exception of a garage just 1 house away from me. I've been taking Zeppelin there to run around and play frisbee with him because it's huge and fenced in, and if you live in the city, someplace huge and fenced in is a rare find. The lot is owned by my landlord's aunt, and it just so happens that another one of my landlord's tenants, Justin, also comes to the lot to play with his dog. So we've been setting play dates and letting Justin's dog Link and Zeppelin play together. Well today, two other women walking dogs walked past the lot and decided to join us. Which is all fine and dandy. All the dogs got along great but it led us to talking about dog parks.


And then it led to how our alderman blows. One of the women has been trying to get a dog park started on the southside for almost 2 years and our alderman keeps refusing the requests, even after petitions with hundreds of signatures are presented to him. The only dog parks in the entire city of Chicago reside on the far North side. Which is great for the Northsiders, but not so great for us that live on the south side without cars.

So for the time being, we've all set times to meet up at this lot and let our dogs run around again. 2:00 Sunday afternoon.

After supposedly 3 petitions, why in the world would the alderman still refuse? Clearly there's a desire for a dog park in the area. His reason was that it would be too expensive. Too expensive? Really? Is it that much money to take an empty plot of land and put a fence around it? That's really all you need. It wouldn't be as extravagant as let's say, East Branch Dog Park back home, but seriously. Dogs will entertain each other. They just need a place to do so. In terms of upkeep, why not just have dog enthusiasts who visit the park volunteer to clean it up? I'm sure people who visit and own lawnmowers would be willing to at least donate it for a day and even let someone else cut the grass. And with enough trash cans around and a fine for not picking up dog poop, that takes care of most of that problem. And if there's still poop laying around (because there's always going to be a lazy owner), again, volunteers.

Maybe a commitee or board of people to run, set rules and a volunteer schedule to keep up with it? Then the city can pretty much get out of the way and let us run our dog park.


I don't see a problem. In fact, I believe I'll write a letter to our alderman proposing some volunteer based suggestions. Cutting grass and picking up poop is well worth having a place for our dogs to safely and legally play off leash in the city.

Ugh. I wish non-dog people understood how much improvement a dog park could bring to a city. Happier, well excericised dogs = quieter, calmer, and less aggressive dogs. I see so many dogs here in the city while I'm walking Zeppelin who day after day I just see laying in a tiny fenced in front yard. And I'm talking TINY. And then people wonder why dogs have so many behavior issues. Just get your dog some exercise and entertain it.



Yesterday I found what I thought was a stray dog roaming my street. The dog wasn't aggressive towards me. A little shy at first, but not aggressive at all. It didn't have any collar or any sort of tags and it's fur was super long and horribly matted and clearly not taken care of. After waiting on animal control to show up (by the way, I waited 3 hours. Had the dog been aggressive and ran from me, there's a good chance it could have seriously hurt someone. Go animal control for being on top of things!!) I finally decided to just go home, grab Zeppelin's leash and take the dog back to my apartment. So I made a slipknot, placed the leash over the dogs head, and it willingly walked with me.

So we're just cruising back to my place when some lady runs up to me shouting, "OH MY DOG! YOU FOUND MY DOG! YOU FOUND MY DOG!!!" And she came and took it. Since it was on my leash, she invited me to follow her home while she took the dog.

Of course it wasn't my place, but I immediately was like, "You should put a collar and tag on your dog. I assumed she was a stray. If she gets out again, other people might not be so kind about waiting with her and just leave her abandoned."

You know what her response was? "Well the dogs never go outside other than the backyard to use the bathroom. They stay inside."

What the fuck? It's a fucking animal for Christ's sake. The dog resisted even going back inside her shitty little apartment. She had to pull the dog in. No wonder the dog escaped. The poor thing is sitting inside all day wasting it's life away when it probably just wants to explore, go for a walk, sniff some stuff, play and be happy.

The real kicker is that there was another dog inside who looked exactly the same. They looked so pitiful. No one was taking care of them. I didn't see a single toy laying around. Just 2 big, unkempt dogs who were just looking for something to do other than lay around inside.


People should be forced to take classes on dog behavior and needs before they get a dog. It's an animal that needs attention, exercise and mental stimulation. A dog is not meant to sit inside alone without at least a daily walk and some play time.



/end tangent.


Seriously though. South side dog park. Needs to happen.

As I promised before, you can now have pictures of Zeppelin. Plus a few more.








Zeppelin and Bosco playing for the first time.


Out at the park!








And that's all I have of him so far.

But here's a picture of the skyline only a few blocks from where I live.



And finally, Dave and I say hi!

So.


I'm at work.



I literally work in a cage.


No joke. A cage. Full of choral music. I file things, I pull music out for the Choral Department Chair when he asks, and other than that, I am a glorified coffee-maker and organizer.

It's aight. A little boring and lonely since I'm the only one working in the cage, but it's aight. It's money. I make my own hours as long as my shit gets done. Which is nice, but also very tempting to leave early and often even when I know I've got more to do. I'm learning self-discipline skills.

Right now I've finished all my work, however, since no one is really around to supervise me, I'm just staying a little longer to get a little more money. I suppose I could start on my list of shit to do for Monday, but if I finish it, what will I do Monday? I suppose I could take a day off, but probably not. My supervisor, Doctor Sinclair (Choral music dept. chair) won't be here Monday. That might be nice. Get my shit done at my own pace. Mmm. My own pace.


I moved into my apartment. It doesn't feel like home yet. It's something I'm working on. I need posters. Fo' sho. Also, a couch.


I believe when I get home I'll take pictures of at least my bedroom and show you.

Also, you need to see pictures of my new dog! His name is Zeppelin. He's black and brown, a Rottweiler mix and just about the sweetest thing I've ever met. He's about 5 years old, and the shelter thinks he may have lived in a backyard for most of his life before he was turned in to animal control. He doesn't have any house manners and doesn't know any commands, but it's something I'm working on with him. He seems to be really smart and he's learning what I'm teaching him fairly quickly, which is nice. I like having smart dogs. He's having a very hard time understanding the concept of "no bite", which is one of the biggest things I need to teach him. He doesn't really bite hard, he just nips at you when he's feeling playful, but it's annoying and he's a big guy so it kind of hurts. I also really need to somehow get him to like his crate. I've tried everything people have suggested but he just does not like being in his crate. I guess it's just something he'll come to like in time.

So you will get pictures of him ASAP.


Other than that, I'm just chillin' yo. I'mma head home now. PEACE!

Moving is stressful. Very stressful.


And I have way more shit than I thought I did.



I think I've packed a lot. Then I go into my room and it doesn't look like I've done anything. Granted, I can't move any of the furniture out because I can't lift it down the stairs, so that's obviously still stuck in there. But still. It just looks like I haven't done anything significant. It just looks just a little more empty. Just a little though. And then I go into the garage and there are just tons of boxes everywhere. I have most of Thursday left to work, all of Friday, some of Saturday and that's it. I move in on Monday. Saturday night I head to Dave's since I have a church gig to sing at Sunday morning. THEN the rest of Sunday will be spent driving an hour to pick up my new dog! And while that's very exciting, it's cutting into my packing time.

I don't even know how much packing I have left to do. I have no concept of how much I really have left to do. I may be going crazy.


I just want everything to go well. I don't want to forget something important, or accidentally throw something important away. And I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard not to bring things I don't need. Turns out I'm much more of a packrat than I thought.




Our next door neighbors have a phone that sounds pretty much EXACTLY like ours and it bugs me every time their windows are open and I hear it because I always think it's ours and it just never is. Rawr rawr rawr.


I'm having trouble sleeping lately. I always have trouble sleeping when I'm under a lot of stress. There's just too much on my mind and then I just start thinking of it all and I can't sleep. I hate that.


I'm very tired. I think it's time for bed. Indeed. Goodnight.